The hoor pari and doctor/engineer bahu syndrome

I’m sick of all the sisters and aunties in the world wanting minimum five feet five inches, fair complexion and thin doctor, engineer, MBA daughter-in-laws for their average looking, averagely qualified and sometimes even below average job-holding/jobless sons and brothers, some of whom will even request that the girl be a “foreign passport holder”.   Are you ladies looking for actual human beings, or just a flesh and bones to exhibit as a bride in front of your extended family? This might offend some people on my list too but this has got to be said AGAIN and AGAIN for this stupidity to end. 

Half of my family members are doctors, but STILL, I’m sick of this false sense of social prestige attached to being a physician. Medicine is a noble profession, but so is teaching, so is fine arts, so is accountancy, so is geography, history, economics, chemistry and every other subject in the world. Ditto for engineers or business graduates, no profession is superior or inferior, and in any case what degree you have should only be ONE barometer for gauging your overall level of education and civilization. People could be PhDs and still be terrible human beings. The purpose of education is to reform and civilize, to open and broaden minds, not to close them, if you think marrying a doctor or engineer is superior, your education has failed in my opinion to open your mind to that fact that it is not.  

And to all the parents who made their daughters study medicine because this would bring them good proposals, seriously, what on earth where you thinking? You are part of the problem. You have been telling your daughter that it’s okay that someone wants to marry her because of a piece of paper that says she’s a doctor. That’s the worst thing you can teach her. Instead teach her to take pride in whatever she studies, and study it well. Teach her that whoever will marry her will marry her because of the qualities that make her a good human being. Strive to make your daughters good humans, not good “rishta material” for god’s sakes. 

Same feelings on the whole deal about searching for the ultimate hoor as your spouse. Sure you have the right to get married to someone you are reasonably attracted to, but stop looking for Katrina Kaif and Mahira Khan. They’re exceptions. Besides, if the media wasn’t here to bombard you with images of these women all the time, you wouldn’t even know what they looked like and would be more easily attracted to women of less then hoor-standard. And please look at your own self in the mirror! Are you Fawad Khan? If no, then stop expecting Mahira.  The girl has the right to look for someone SHE will be reasonably attracted to too, you know. She too is HUMAN BEING after all.

I know that might seem difficult to remember in your quest to find the perfect spouse, but please do. Human beings have feelings, and when you reject people simply because they’re not tall enough or fair enough, those feelings are hurt, fear Allah with respect to hurting people’s feelings about things which are not in their control. When you sit and criticize the way girls look, you’re actually criticizing Allah who made them this way.

And whatever happened to looking for inner beauty? Where are all the girls with more tanned complexions suppose to go? Majority of the sub-continent is not naturally supposed to be fair skinned you know.  And who in the world said fairness equals beauty?  Why can’t we appreciate that everyone is beautiful in their own special way?  And to all those dark skinned boys looking for gori bewayan so that their children can be gore, give it up already, you could get married to a woman with milk toned skin but if Allah doesn’t have it in your qadr that you children are light toned, they won’t be. In any case, being light toned does not make you a better person in the eyes of Allah, piety does. Look for piety, look for character, look for inner beauty …not degrees, not a specific colour of the skin or a specific height/age/weight group! ACT and think like you are educated, not just degree yafta.  There is a word for people who think fair skin is superior, its RACIST. Yes, gulp this down!

Oh and yeah, please be courteous. This business of meeting the prospective bride cannot always be avoided, but don’t turn into ordeal for the poor girl, this is not a job interview.  Oh and yeah, don’t bring along your entire extended family to meet the girl, whilst conveniently forgetting the boy. The girl and her family would probably have some questions for your son too.  Have the basic table manners to finish whatever eateries you took and respond with a courtesy call if you think things will not work out, don’t leave the girl’s family wondering on for weeks on end what you’re thinking.

And to the girl’s family, don’t invite over someone whose looking for a hoor in the hope that they might, just might, still like your dark toned daughter. Frankly they don’t deserve your daughter if the only thing they’re looking for in a bride is light skin tone (because your daughter is more than a hoor, a hoor which their stupid limited vocabularies of beauty cannot encompass).  Give your daughters confidence about how they are and how they look. Do not make them feel guilty; it is not their fault that our society has sick double standards and false definitions of prestige.

I know every parent tells their daughters they’re not a burden on them, but when you worry sick over any delays in their marriage, that’s not how they feel. There is a time and place for everything.  Stop acting desperate and don’t stop everything in your daughter’s life just because she is waiting for the right proposal. If she wants to go do a job in the meanwhile, let her. If she wants to study more, let her. If she wants to just spend her time at home, let her.

Let her live her life. And the other aunties, please get a life! Remember how it was when you were behind the trolley, when it was your daughters turn or your turn, put yourself in her shoes. Be kind. Show mercy.

In the end, when relationships spawn out, when people begin to live with each other, it is the character traits of human beings that help nourish the relationship, not the skin colour, their height, weight or degree. Relationships break down because people don’t get along, because there is lack of compassion and compromise, lack of understanding and patience, a lack of love. Look for a girl or boy who has all these qualities, who can love your child, respect him or her, keep her or him and your family happy and raise a good family. Not a showpiece. PLEASE think.